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Shallow Ground (2004)
IMDB rating: 5.30
Plot: A naked teenage boy covered in blood appears at a remote sheriff’s station one year after the brutal unsolved murder of a local girl. Now Sheriff Jack Shepherd, guilt ridden over the girl’s murder, must confront his own demons as he desperately searches for the boy’s true identity and possible victims. Little does Jack realize that he has started down a path that will bring him face to face with an unthinkable horror. Before sunrise the living will pay for the pain the dead have suffered.
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Directors: Wilson Sheldon
Actors: Murphy Timothy V.,Kirsch Stan,Marquette Rocky,Hendrie Chris,Natwick Myron,Eastin Steve,Kapelos John,Pfeffer Ori,Campos Victor,MacKane John,Thriller,Horror,
What do you think of this?
This is really rough and not edited so ya please don’t mock my spelling fails 
because i fail at spelling and stuff like that and im also only 14 :S
The sound of my heart was like a beating drum,growing faster and faster as my speed exhilarated. My breathing became uneven and my lungs were getting ready to burst. The pain was excruciating, as if my lungs were getting ripped out of my body, making it imposable to breath. But I couldn’t think about that right now my goal was to fix everything, and i mean everything.
The branches swung back into my face as I pushed them away. Running away seemed to be the only answer,the only way to escape everything. It was all I needed all I had to do to get away from everything. As I got further into the forest it became harder to run through it as it was starting to get thicker. As the trees start closing in on me, surrounding me, suffocating me my breathing became weak and shallow and my ears began to fill with air as if there was tiny bubbles in them.
Off in the distance I could hear the river with the gushing water flowing through it. I picked up speed kicking up a cloud of dirt behind me. The sounds of rushing water suddenly flooded threw my mind. The rapids were just around the bend I could hear them. The sound of the rushing water flowed through my ears blocking out all other sounds. I was in my own little world. I knew I was getting close now so with all my strength I managed to push forward, moving my legs as fast as they could and closing my eyes trying to suck in enough breath to even my breathing.
As i skidded to I stop I knew I was there. I could feel the mist on my face. I opened my eyes ever so slowly taking in the amazing scenery. It was as if i was already in heaven. All I could think about was how peaceful it was, and the river leading right off the cliff to sudden death. Oh what a peaceful place that would be. How I longed I would be there soon. If i land in heaven lucky me ill have everything i ever wanted but if i land in hell at least ill be warm. I had to make the decision to jump or not but i was already pretty sure i knew the right desicion. This decision would affect me for the rest of my life,or not. Oh god why was I doing this. Oh ya because my life is no longer worth living.
I’m out of breath now, it would take all of my energy just to hoist myself up on top of the huge rocks in the the river, but after that it would be so easy. It would all be over faster then you could ever imagine, and if I am out of breath it would be even faster. Drowning what a peaceful way to go.
The rocks were in front of me now. I remember coming here when I was little and climbing and playing on them. My parents would always warn me to stay away from the lose rocks and the sharp edges "don’t fall in" they would always say,but no one was here to keep me safe this time. No one could stop me now.
I throw myself onto the rocks and climb my way to the top of the pile,almost time,almost over,almost death. I can clearly see the rapids now. I could only imagine the size of the rocks that were waiting down there for me. I stop only for a moment as I notice the blood oozing out of my leg,the red liquid now dripping onto my shoe,a puddle begins to form at my feet. I didn’t even feel the pain from my knee but the blood indicated that it was deep and that i should be curled in a ball screaming in agony but i’m not,I feel nothing, nothing at all. I guess you don’t really feel pain before you die. Like the old saying "Death comes easily, what makes it hard are all the memories coming back to you. The only pain Before death is these memories."
As I inch my foot towards the edge. I take in a huge breath, trying to calm down. As I slip my feet as far as possible to the edge i can feel my body quivering in fear. I know i’m one step away from and easy death. A calm, peaceful, silent, painless death. One step is all it takes, and it would be over before I knew it. I can’t do this I think to my self. I just can’t do this. But then my shitty life flashes before my eyes, and the pain I have gone through. I stager backwards trying to recall what just happened, and what is going to happen.
I take a deep breath as I make my final decision. Yes ,Yes I will. Nothing in my life right now can be a better decision then death. I Peel off my heavy sweater and head towards the edge of the cliff again. Then take a couple of steps back so I can have a running head start. Just as I’m about throw myself off the edge my foot slips. I tumble to the ground and hear a loud shrieked and a crack. Then I realize the scream came from me. I try to pull myself together and just get it over with. As I pull myself up from the ground and try to pull myself together and just get this death over with.
I’m such a big baby. I cant even finish the job I should have started years ago when everything started happening. As I pull myself up from the ground I feel a sudden sharp pai
Hey there! Here are a few tips:
Instead of saying that the forest was getting thicker, try describing how your character kept being barred by leaves and bushes as she got deeper into the woods.
Your writing is a little scrambled, but this can be used to your advantage. If you make it confused with direction (does this make sense? :P) Then it can seem as if your character his/herself is the confused one. You just need to be sure to pick sentence structure carefully so that it’s still clear to the audience what’s going on while showing them how freaked out your character is.
It got cut off after "As I pull myself up from the ground I feel a sudden sharp pai", but I think it would be more interesting if something happened to stop your character from killing them-self, or if we get to see what happens after they die.
If you do plan on killing your character, you need to be sure to make the reader feel emotionally attached before you do so. A little anecdote, we had to write a screenplay in creative writing class just a couple weeks ago, and over half the class ended up having their characters commit suicide. It’s no longer shocking when such a thing happens in novels unless you make your reader actually care what happens.
In order to build the bond, I suggest you give more background on your character’s life. Everyone thinks at some point that they have a shitty life, so what makes your character so special? Is she so weak that she cannot handle her problems, or is there a real cause of anguish that would drive her to such desperation? You do a good job on describing her feelings, so that’s good. Just give some background.
Other than that, great job! Your writing is very mature and descriptive. Keep writing, and don’t be too hard on your poor character!
| Jan 18, 2010
one thing is that you said "I could hear the river with the gushing water flowing through it" and then said "The sounds of rushing water suddenly flooded threw my mind" and you kept saying how the main character could hear the water… loudly…it just seems like they mean the same thing ish… other than that it was really good!
i am awesome! | Jan 18, 2010
Tracy Gregory