drfugazzi

Prey for Rock & Roll

Actors: Blucas Marc,Martin Ivan,Driscoll Eddie,Rikaart Greg,Harold Francois,Drama,Music,

Is it normal to have an identity crisis at age twenty? How do I find me?
I’ve been researching about how woman are defined by their fathers. I have neither a father nor a paternal figure and have been "father hungry" my entire life- doling out my "unconscious laundry list of losses to be redressed" to male coworkers, bosses, classmates… no romantic partners. Too afraid of men.

The problem is I feel so badly that I need a man in my life, as though I would die without the attention. And I’m not talking about hand holding.

And I find myself thinking that maybe if I become feminine and wear pretty dresses, or rock-n-roll with an apathy induced life and look, or sophisticated with business attire, then I could somehow gain the attention of my imaginary father. (I think this in the same frantic, unhealthy fashion that woman of fathers who loved them as tomboys think they have to maintain a boyish look- often leading to anorexia nervosa.)

I’ve never known who I was, have never been able to sit in my skin without feeling insecure. I know if I fall prey to the above yearnings, then the ‘me’ that is there somewhere will only become deeper buried, and without having myself to give, it is very likely I’ll never be able to have a healthy relationship- with either myself or a man.

That’s not a road that I want to go down.

Did I mention that I’m extremely unhappy?
A very, very good book to read is Woman and Their Fathers by Victoria Secunda. Whether you have emotionally stable or emotionally unstable responses to life, that book will help you learn a lot- A LOT- about how paternal figures or the lack thereof impact you. From being daddy’s little princess to being victim of his sexual gratification- it’s all there.

And anorexia can be caused by a number of unresolved psychological issues. If a father is able to relate to his daughter when she is able to horse around with her brothers but then becomes distant when she starts to grow into a foreign woman, the daughter might react to the lack of interest unconsciously with anorexia.

i think a lot of women feel they need a man in their life even if they had a fulfilling relationship with their father. also i think wear what makes you feel attractive. if you feel confident and attractive, then you will attract the opposite sex. so don’t worry about attracting men who might or might not be like you father.

sorry to hear about your lack of father or paternal figure. i have a father but he told me i was a mistake and basically ignored and disapproved me my whole life. for a while i tried to get approval from guys that were cold like him and i got hurt over and over. so it’s good to know what your issues are. then pick someone who is caring, wam, and ready to commit if that is what you want. that’s what i chose.

don’t choose the cutest or most charming guy unless he is all of the above. hang out with guys or go and lava life or join activity clubs with guys until you are more comfortable with them. and remember, not having a father doesn’t mean you don’t have a chance at a happy relationship. my mom abandoned me and at first i assumed all women didn’t like me until i joined clubs and found out otherwise. good luck and i hope you can let your father issues go.

Kelly | Mar 20, 2009

Just the mere thought that you are trying to "find you" is a very good and healthy thing.

You are right about the "father syndrome". When I was a kid I was severely neglected by my alcoholic father and co-dependent mother. I can remember sitting on the porch for hours waiting for my father to come home. It was a very lonely feeling. As I grew up, I also was desperate to have a man in my life. As you mentioned, most likely to replace the father I never had. You are very smart to recognize this.

So what to do??? You are right. You need to work on YOU. I’m in my 40’s and did not meet a man that was perfect for me until I first discovered myself and became totally self supportive. If you take the time to work on YOU and your self esteem, it will be much more likely for you to find a good relationship with someone else. The relationship will be based on the right reasons rather than a desperate attempt to make up for what you lack.

Start with some self help books and journaling. Only you know deep in side who you really are and who you really want to be. Only YOU can make it happen. Let go of the past believe in the future! And do not worry what anyone else may think of you.

Good luck to you.
SavvyLenore | Mar 20, 2009